Dear... Parents Who Couldn't Raise Me Because You Were Too Busy Trying To Raise Yourselves
You f**ked me up. You made me this way. You abandoned me. You were there but it felt like you were never there. I blame you for how I am.
I'm a good person, I'm not perfect, but I was a good person. I was. If only you gave me at least a tiny bit of care, maybe I would've gone on a better path?
I guess we'll never know because it's too late to make up for it now. I'm too fake and broken to be reshaped now. All I can do at this point is learn how to pretend to be better. Learn how to pretend that I'm not scared of being abandoned again or left behind so I end up doing it before others could do it to me again. Learn how to pretend to be normal like everyone else. Learn how to live with the fact that I can never fully trust anyone anymore for as long as I live. Learn how to fake everything I do so that people will be pleased with me. Learn how to do life. Because you were never around to teach me and show me that that's not how it should be. You were never around to make me understand that fighting every day and leaving the house without a word for days, weeks, and even months was not normal. You never taught me how to stand up for myself and to not be treated like I'm less important than everyone else.
I have a lot of regrets in my 20 years of life, but the biggest one might be that I didn't run as far away as possible while it was still early for me to remember everything. I hope no more people like you will bring a life to this world not knowing for sure if they're ready to be parents who look after their children. I hope no one else has to grow up with parents like you who only ever cared about their own happiness, sadness, problems, and lives. I hope there won't be another me in this world because who knows if they can handle this kind of life to last long.
I hope at least one hand will reach out to that little girl crying on the floor while her whole world falls apart around her. I hope that little girl won't have to remember everything and grow up playing those memories in the back of her head. I hope she learns to value herself and that above everything else, she's the most important person to herself. I hope that little girl never gets tired of waking up day after day to keep the monsters in her head and in her heart in check. I hope she doesn't get tired of picking up the pieces of her heart even though she loses a piece every time it breaks and even though she knows well enough that it will never be whole again. I hope she survives. I hope. I wish. I pray.