Dear... R
Saying your name hurts me. That must sound weird. I know you don't say my name. And if you did, it wouldn't hurt. It would roll off your tongue like anything else.
Sometimes I wonder if you even remember me... you seemed to eradicate any trace of me. People are surprised that I even know your name. How did you so easily erase seven years of friendship away? In a blink of an eye, you had turned my entire universe upside down.
You've never had the problem of someone looking right past you. You're charming, handsome, funny. People's eyes following you in the room. That's why when I met you I was amazed. You looked at me like they look at you. I existed in your glorious world, not only existed, I was deeply immersed in it. We could talk about anything together, and we did. In fact, talking to you became an important part of my life. I couldn't wait to rush to our spot, to talk and laugh. When I was with you, I was living. Living. Not just existing. In the beginning, I thought it would be fleeting, but it wasn't. Days turned into months, months into years. We were growing up together. I loved you, I'm not quite sure it was in a romantic way, but you were my universe.
You and A are what pulled me through my mom's death. You were the ones who gave my life meaning beyond just breathing.
That's why it hurt so badly that day. You looked right through me. As if I wasn't there. As if I didn't even exist. I remember when you walked away, E looked at me. She said it was weird. You wouldn't even look at me.
I never even saw you up close after that day. I thought I had done something. Then E made me realize something. Like someone caught up in fame, you left anyone and everyone who couldn't help you get ahead. You left me because unlike you no one else's eyes followed me around in a room. You broke my heart. You really did.
It's been almost four years and I still get a little twinge in my heart when someone mentions you. I don't think you noticed but I do everything I can to avoid you. Ash told me you said my name, pretending to still know me like you used to. It must've been the first time you've said my name in years. I like to think that you miss me as much as I miss you. That this is some mix-up. That you're just as confused as to why we stopped talking. That you still look back at our relationship. That you see me in the corner of your eye in the halls, and you think of me. You see me. I'd like to think you miss the friendship that was born during our childhood days. I'd like to think about a lot of things. A lot.