Dear... That Asshole
You ruined me. Maybe I should be more positive since it’s been years. Talk about how being a victim of SA makes me stronger. How I can’t let it control my life forever. But it’s made everything so much worse and I hate it. I hate him. I hate that nothing was done. I hate how I haven’t been in control In so long. It’s been 3 years (I think? Fucking memory loss) and I still feel the terrible after effects like it was just the other day.
In the time that has passed I’ve gotten a bit better but now the emotional part is all coming back to me. Suppressing trauma isn’t fun now. It saved me then I think. Kept 10-11 year old me safe, but now I just can’t do it. It hits me in waves. Like I’m mourning someone. Like I’m mourning me almost. It ruined me. I don’t think I deserved that. I don’t think anyone does. And all I want to do is cry. Years of feeling numb to what happened to me has caught up in the past 2ish years and I hate it so much. My therapist claims she can help me. But bringing this topic up hurts me now. Since talking to her it’s more real.
I do want to say this though. I hope whoever is reading this hasn’t been through this. And never does. Keep those around you safe too. Especially kids. They are always honest about stuff like this. Trust them if they don’t want to be around someone. Even if it’s another kid in the similar age range as them. You never know.
And for those who have been through this, I promise it does get easier on you. This is one of my bad days I think. But I promise you you are not alone. You never are, I promise. You’ll be okay. If you haven’t yet, tell someone my love. If you think no one will believe you, I do. No matter how long it’s been or whatever gender you or the asshole is. No matter the age difference. They could’ve been a year older and you are valid to feel disgusted. But I want you to know you are not disgusting or undeserving of anything cause what happened to you. You’ll hear this a lot hopefully but It wasn’t your fault. And I need you to believe that. Once you accept that the road is clearer I think.
I’m getting there. Todays been a bump in the road for recovery or whatever my therapist would call this. But we have to trust life will be nicer someday. Just gotta keep going.
I love you. I love you so much. You’re beautiful.