Dear... N
It's been 29 years on this planet and no day with no fears and no tears. I'm someone who loves routine until I try something else. I can eat the same type of food every day. I can walk on the same road every day. I can stay home all weekend. Most of the time, I don't even complain. I stayed alone so much that I started to like being alone. But some days, I don't want to be alone. And I cannot eat alone, so I skip breakfast and lunch (mostly). I have my dinner, otherwise I'd be hospitalized. I cannot afford that. So, I have my dinner. I cannot afford being sick, so I take care of myself.
I work for a multi-national organization and I absolutely love my job. I get a decent salary. However, I didn't know that I'd be in such a situation that I’d become the only person earning in the family. It's been two years. My dad's business has taken a toll and there are a lot of debts. My brother's career is on a slow-ride, he's 25 years old and I don't understand when he'll grow up or when he’ll realize that he's a grown up person now and the family needs financial help. It's been two yrs since I've been paying home loans, rents, electricity bills, and other debts. I've taken loans to pay off some loans. I've taken loans from every person I know - friends, colleagues, flatmates. I'm paying them back - slowly. A few of my good friends don't even ask for a return, but I just cannot talk to them. I feel guilty, I have nothing to tell them. Or maybe I know that I'll start crying if I speak a word. Sometimes, when I save 50 bucks extra by skipping lunches, I get a dessert for myself in the weekends, only to feel sorry later. I feel sorry that I'm having a dessert while my family is going through a crisis.
It's not just these two years that turned my life upside down. My life's always been a bumpy ride (since I remember). I had a great family. A grandmother, four uncles, two cousins and an aunt. I loved all of my uncles dearly. I also considered one of them as a father figure and he loved me back truly. They all did. I was the most pampered child in the family for obvious reasons, like, I was the first granddaughter. It was all great for some years. But, ego and fear took over. Because of business, there's been a lot of fights between my father and my uncles. Fights that still shook me with fear. Fights that saw blood (mine). And one day, everything changed. I hated my dad and my uncles. My dad promised me that he wouldn't fight. But he did. He broke the promise. He also broke my heart. Not for the first time, though. From that day onwards, it was only me, my brother and my parents. It's been years that I haven't seen my grandmother or my uncles. I don't know if they think of me. I forgot how it felt to be a granddaughter and a niece. Because of all these issues and every night rituals of crying to sleep, my memory started to fade away slowly. I only focused on work. I brought more work to my plate to forget all this. My work is the only thing that distracts me from the pain. My memory started to build a selective mechanism, I guess. I remember the tiniest detail about my work project, but I don't remember what I had for lunch or what color I wore until I tilt down my face. Once I forgot how my grandmother looked. I had to dig out the old photos. Things got worse.
Many a year, I wished we were all together. Many a day, I wished I was rich. Many a moment, I wished there was a guy who loved me dearly, who protected me from this pain, who I can go home to. I wished there was someone who could tell me that it's okay - everything is just going to be okay. Not anymore!
Now, at this moment, I only want to pay all the debts. I have never been in a relationship, I don't know if I could ever be. I know that not everything is going to be okay. I have made peace with that. Just when I think it cannot get worse, it does! I'm scared to try for a new job, I'm scared to meet new people. But I have to. To be able to pay off the debts. I just do not know where to draw the strength from. It's really annoying, I feel sorry for myself.
This letter is not to inspire myself, but to let go of the pain that my heart holds. I know that I don't get what I wish for, but I sincerely wish I could have a day with no fears and no tears.