Dear... Heart
Thank you for putting up with me. Sorry for not listening to you when I should have.
Decisions I made, have made you stronger and yet more fragile at the same time.
We've been through some things, just like all the other hearts out there. But ignoring you whilst you were trying to make something very clear, was my biggest mistake.
I was with someone for a few years. Even though something always felt kind of "off", I chose to ignore that feeling.
Because here was this guy, whom I found attractive, whom I cared for, whom I wanted to like and yet you didn't seem alive.
'Maybe this is what grown-up love feels like', I thought. Maybe we just don't feel the jitters we got as teenagers anymore. Maybe I've been single too long to feel like that again. You already knew this wasn't the right guy for me. You knew from the start.
Those moments where I should've felt excited, in love and yes, even sexually aroused - my whole body felt dead.
No shivers, no excited tension, nothing. I guess I thought I just needed more time.
People always tell you how relationships are hard work, how it's never easy and there will always be moments where you'll doubt if it's the right choice.
I thought that was what that was. But you were practically screaming at me that this wasn't right for me.
I was stubborn, I didn't want to admit that maybe this just wasn't "it".
At some point, I couldn't not hear you anymore. I was unable to sleep, because my blood kept boiling under my skin.
I kept sweating, because I knew I was in the wrong place. You knew it and all I had to do is finally admit it.
I'm glad you were able to reason with me. You don't feel dead anymore. I hope I was able to give you some peace.
And I'll try my best to spare you further heartbreak. I promise.