Dear... Someone I Still Love
I once told you, I can feel your presence in my lungs. I still can, though now it just feels like suffocating.
I thought it’d be easier, doing right by you even when it hurts. I didn't think it'd hurt this bad. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I throw up in the middle of the night when I dream of you. I lay in bed and relive every piece of you. Your smile, your thick hair. The way you taste.
I want to tell you this, I want to tell you so many things. Like how I don't want this; to be away from you. I don't want you to find yourself first, or to give you time, or to have space. I can't imagine a day without you.
But I also know I need to be strong enough for the both of us. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I'm trying to do right by you. I want you to be okay, and I don't think being with me like this is helping you. I care about you so much I'd let you hate me for this. I just want you to be happy. Okay. Wake up one day and be able to exhale, finally.
There's a thousand things left unsaid, and I blame myself for that. What we have is so complicated and so intense I sometimes think I'll wake up one day and you'll be like the thin grains of sand that have slipped through my fingers so many times before. If only I knew then what I know now.
These past few days have been some of the most stressful of my life, truly. I stay up too late, sleep too little. I cry, and cry again. I shower just to feel heat again. I miss your touch, your smell, your presence.
I still can't believe I'm doing this. I should be telling you this but I know it'll only make things harder. So I cry in the bathroom, and in my bed, and put concealer underneath my baggy eyes to pretend I'm okay.
Are you okay?