Dear... My Ocean
It's been about 4 months now, I think, since we decided to call it quits. It was not a pleasant way to break up mind you. But I just want to tell you, in a way, that up until now i still think of you. My heart still ached after what happened. I ached for everything that went wrong in our relationship, I ached because we never did anything to make it work again. We just both let it be. As a matter of fact, I still wanted to be with you. You were dear to me. You were my everything. But we changed. So before I totally let go of you, I just want to say this because it has been troubling me for a while now. I just need to let this out.
It was very hard for me, too. You might think that it wasn't but it was. Deciding to let you go after all those times that I forced myself not to, it was f**king hard. It took everything in me to finally do that. It tore me apart but I knew that I needed this separation. Even though I will be very hurt by doing so. It took a toll on me, to be honest. It also has its bad and good side. but tonight, I’m in pain.
I still loved you and I mean it. From the time I said that I'm thankful that you let me go up to now. I couldn't just forget about you, I couldn't just discard what I feel for you that easily. Not anymore. This shit would've been easier if I was still the same girl as I was 5 years ago. I never allowed myself to fall this deep. I never let myself be this blind. I always stopped myself from loving too hard. But this time, I fell right in. So it wouldn't matter if I cuss you out, even if I try to hate you for everything you've done to me, even if I try to deny what I feel for you, none of it will work because I still love you. And I hate myself for being this weak, because I think that I still couldn't stand up for myself when I need to.
You took the most important things from me. Things that I never thought could really make a difference. You took my trust away, I couldn't trust you or any other guy anymore. I gave my everything to you. I let my guard down so I could let you in and you took pleasure on it. You took my love away with you. I don't think I could ever love this much again without remembering what happened to us. You shattered my peace and walked away with it. You don't know how much courage it takes for me to fight this raging demon inside my head. It wakes me up, startling me, greeting me every morning with a fast beating heart, a cold embrace and an overfilled mind. You wouldn't know how that put me in this place that I promised to never let myself get into again. It’s nothing to you. You'll be alright. After 2 years, you left me alone and took away everything you've promised me. You spat empty words and half-assed promises, regardless I still believed you. I was blind.
Right now I'm so vulnerable. It’s like I've been stripped naked, no walls can protect me.
I’m sorry self, if you went through this again. I’m sorry for letting you give out so much love even if you noticed that you wouldn't have the same. I’m sorry for settling for less.
I promise I'll make it up to you. I’m doing this for my f**king self alone.