Dear... Grammie
I cherished you more than you would ever be able to fathom. You were my closest person, and I knew you knew how special our connection was.
I am haunted by regret that I didn't text you back a lot of the time or go out with you when you wanted to hang out because I felt socially anxious and was processing trauma.
I regret it everyday that I didn't go on another spur of the moment beach trip with you when you asked. Every time that you asked me if I was okay or tried to connect with me and be understanding over my struggles and I would just freeze up and crash and say something irritable to shut you down. I had never met anyone who loves the way you do.
Nobody loves me unconditionally or understands me like you do until I met the kid's dad. He may understand me less in some ways, more in others. But he truly loves me unconditionally. It’s because you both love selflessly. You’re Pisces souls.
It was too hard for me to be able to spend time with you when you were sick because you got confused, and the dynamic in your household was too difficult to watch. It was traumatic seeing you confused and two other people I love who were struggling so severely and being so irritable and volatile at times. I didn't want my last memories of you to be triggering but now I wish I had any at all.
It was so out of no where and there had already been so many reasons to lose hope, with them stacking by the moment. It destroyed me. And when it did nobody understood why I was acting the way I was acting, or how I was feeling, everyone assumed I had bad intentions and were disappointed.
Life was so hard, I felt guilty being alive anymore i didn’t want to subject everyone to a life of struggles because they love someone who is mentally ill. I tried but I became very sick physically as well and wasn’t able to be the mom I usually am.
If I was a 10th of the human you are, I would be an angel. You loved so deeply, you were the life of the party sober, you were so positive, you were selfless. I hope to be able to learn the lessons I need to to help me stop being a selfish person because the lorddddd knows I don’t care about myself. But thats the root of the problem. I just love you and I think about you everyday. You made my life a beautiful place.
Thank you for growing me with your love into a compassionate person and showing me what the true symbol of a mother and grandmother should look like. I love you the mostess. I still cry almost everyday.