Dear... Star Crossed Lover
March 17, 2020
What should I do when I feel remorse not being able to hear from him? That man that I hate and like and despise and long for all at the same time. All I want is to forget about him. To stop looking back. To stop myself from bringing up the past. To cut the talk, the connection. I wish I could erase it. I wish I could numb my feelings for him, my longing for him. I wish this would end.
Why am I like this? Even after he pushed me away when he said he can’t come back. When he said I should get together with someone else because he will never be able to be by my side. When he said that we can’t go back to the past and to the way we used to be. Why can’t I hate him? Why can’t I bring myself from coming back to him and reaching out to him? Why does he always invade my thoughts? Why do I keep clinging on to him even when I know I should not? Why am I stuck on this circle for years? I chose to move on, to never look back, to forget about him, to stop talking to him, to burn all bridges leading back to him. I burned bridges and said goodbyes for more times than I can count now. Part of me wanted him to follow me and beg for me to come back to him. Part of me wants him to say that he feels the same way too and that I want to hear from him; that he will fight for us. That even if it’s against the odds, he will fight for our love. That our ties will never be severed. That we can be happy together. That everything will be alright. I want to hear those three words coming from him. I miss you. I love you. Please don’t go. Please stay.
Unfortunately, he never did say those to me. He never did anything. He never talked to me after I said my goodbyes and unfriended and unfollowed him. He never got desperate to have me back. Everything is just wishful thinking on my part. Is it really a one-sided love all these times? I tried my best to be strong and stick to my decision of forgetting the past. But here I am after years of trying, even if I already have a boyfriend I like and who loves me more than I deserve, I’m still wavering from my decision. I hate this feeling of longing for him. Even if I know I am a loser and that I pity myself for being like this.
Why? Why am I so weak when it comes to him? Why do I like him still? I hate it. I hate myself. Why?
Why is fate so cruel?