Dear... I Wish You Could Know
I wish you could know how you left things, it has always stayed with me. Like, you know you need to do something but have forgotten exactly what that something is. Or the song you can hum the tune to but never figure out its name. Or the room you walk into but forget why you went there in the first place. I have never stopped wondering, I have never stopped questioning.
For some reason I never blame you, I keep circling back to myself. What did I do wrong? Is my love not enough? When you start questioning your own ability to love, you stop thinking you have any to give. I have spent a long time on my own, deeply alone. I want to tell you how much I miss you, not a day goes by where you don’t cross my mind. That is sad, isn’t it? Holding onto the last tiny piece of my past, an idea of what love felt like. Sometimes I feel like that’s all it will ever be for me again, an idea.
Nothing ever fits right, almost like someone else’s piece of the puzzle is made for someone else’s, never mine. My piece is torn, faded and never going to fit into the picture. You made me feel so alive, so whole, so loved. What can one do when those are taken away? I've had a lot of time to think, but I never seem to get past the love I had for you; no one makes sense and no one measures up. You were the one I saw myself with until my last breath. Now you see yours with another and I am left with just a shadow of what that feels like.
When I close my eyes I can feel my head on your chest, my fingers run across your chin and I can see the smile twitch on your lips in amusement. The memory of it is seared into my mind and I don't know If I'll ever see another face replacing it. I don’t think I'm ready to. I hear you in my dreams, the words you told me often: "You're the woman I want to marry", "how can I be so lucky for you to be mine?" and even just the old fashioned “I love you” wreaks havoc in my sleep. I wake up with a dull ache, the loss almost fresh and the hurt comes tearing back into my heart.
Have I moved on? Can't I just? If only it was that simple. You will probably never know how much you meant to me. You probably wouldn't care. You look so happy in your new life, so at peace. While mine is in a constant storm, I feel like everywhere I look there is sand in my eyes and a pain in my chest. I have been with people since you. People willing to open up to me, people offering me their heart. I turned them away and I can't tell if its because I feel damaged or because I worry they will damage me. Sometimes I fear even it's possible that I can't have what I once had. I also fear the fact that if someone can be so happy and have it all end, who's to say it won't happen again? What if my sentence is to always be hurt? Pitiful. These thoughts disgust me because I like to think that I am strong, I am powerful. But sometimes I am not strong. I tell people I'm tough, I never cry. But I cry for you. When I am happy and laughing, enjoying myself so much, your name throws itself into my mind like that thing I forgot I was supposed to do and I feel the happiness ebb and the darkness unfold. Your name is a curse and my thoughts are poisoned.
I want to call you and hear your voice, I want to tell you all these things and when something happens I want you to know, I want to share with you the little moments when I smile or I see something you might like. But I will never pick up the phone, I will never speak to you again and I will never experience you in that way again, I know this. You are hers and not mine. She gets you now. She tells you all these things, and you tell her yours. She is lucky, I want you to know. I truly hope you have a world of happiness, I hope you have everything you desire and more.
I will always love and support you, from a distance. You are a part of my history, my heart. Maybe one day I will find mine again.