Dear... Grason
It’s been six or seven years since that incident. We were both in eighth grade. You may not remember it but I do. I can never forget it and it will forever be ingrained in my mind. Words can not describe the pain you have caused me. Thanks to you, I can’t live my life as a normal person.
I still remember the things you did to me on the bus. At first, it was just harmless poking but things escalated. You slapped me, you pulled my hair, you bullied, you insulated me, and worst of all, YOU STRAIGHT UP SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME. I felt so disgusted when you groped my chest and butt. I felt so dirty. I felt so violated. I felt so powerless. I felt worthless. It just made me hate myself even more. I already had low self-esteem to begin with and yet, here you came to fucking destroy it. And you know what the sad thing about all of this? Everyone just either laughed, stared, or just ignore or ignored what was happening to me.
You don’t understand how much that impacted me. I hate it when people (including those close to me) touch me because all I can think about is what you did to me. It makes me feel dirty. I wear baggier clothes so no one can see my body. I have a harder time trusting people. I have honestly stopped caring about my appearance so I don’t attract anyone. I can’t even be in a relationship because I’m afraid of getting hurt again.
I regret not reporting it earlier to school. I was stupid to think I could control the situation. But when I finally did, they didn’t do anything. Instead of taking my side, they took yours. They twisted my words by saying I liked it when you touched me. I was so furious. What also pissed me off is that you did all of this because you had a crush on me. Like what the fuck?! Who the fuck does that to get a girl's attention? When it came to your punishment, you only got a slap on the wrist. They left you off easy. They just told you just to basically avoid me. That's it. Although you did apologize in that meeting, it didn't feel sincere to me. I still haven't forgiven you for what you've done.
Even after middle school, unfortunately I still had to see you during high school. I even had classes with you and I couldn’t even do anything about it.
Also during that time, I fell into a horrible depression. You were one of the factors of my depression. I struggled so much with my depression. I’ve attempted suicide many times. I hate that I have to suffer and meanwhile, you’re just enjoying your life without a care in the world. It’s not fair you know. Even after graduating from High School, I thought I would never see you again. I was wrong. I still saw you at the college I go to.
I bet you’re wondering, why am I writing to you? Well, I’m writing to you because my psychologist suggested to me that I write a letter to you. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’m having a hard time moving on from the bullying/sexual assault incident. Something like this isn’t easy to move on from. I still have dreams about it. Anything that reminds me of you or of what you did to me triggers all those feelings of fear and panic in me. I still breakdown when I think about it. It also took me a while to accept that was the victim and it’s not my fault.
Anyway, my psychologist told me that I didn’t have to send this letter to you, but I’m gonna send it to you. I want you to know how I feel. I don’t hate you, surprisingly, but I don’t like you either. Hopefully, one day I’m able to forgive and just be able to move on.
Have a nice life I guess.