Dear... Universe
I have been fighting the urge to kill myself. But I'm not suicidal. I have been fighting the urge to kill the child in me. I am not able to fight the way I used to when I was young. I was always greedy, wanting so much and expecting so much from the world. However, I never noticed how much I have to fight for all the things I want. An ability, a fight, a kind of strength I simply don't posses. I wish I was stronger than this. I wish I was able to face the world head on. Nonetheless, I'm extremely strong. I know I am or else I wouldn't have been able to fight through all the experiences and situations I dealt with this year.
I know that a lot of people deal with a lot of traumatic experiences that affect their mental state more than anything as well. Making me feel actually not that special. But just because a lot of people went through a lot this year, just like me, doesn't mean I should feel any less worth finding a change.
Everyone deserves to get the chance to bounce back and move on from all that the universe has thrown at them. Believe it or not I feel as though the universe is based on calculations, it’s all part of a final equation. A final ending and path. One that we calculate and create as we go on. I have never been one to like math, nor respect it. Nonetheless, one thing I know about this world is that it revolves around it. Meaning that if we play our cards (numbers) right we'll get our end result. The result we have been craving and wanting for so long. No matter what it is, we will get it, if done right. How do you play your cards right? That is up to you, that is left in your hands. That is something that leads back to you. I promise you even though I am just as lost as anyone else in my state of my mind. I still know everything will be fine as long as I don't kill my inner child, my inner me. Because if I do there will be nothing left to fight for, no identity to care for, no you to believe in. Just another lost soul to throw in a pile of, I am sure, existent lost souls. Ones that have never been able to grasp themselves again. Don't let yourself down, don't throw yourself away.
Everyone was born with a heart and a life to live out no matter how short or long it may end up to be. Live it because there's no restart button and no start over button. You can't go back, you can't live a moment twice. When the moment is gone, it's gone. Of course, there will be more moments. What I am trying to say - as a seventeen year old girl - is don't let your life pass you by. Don't feel bad for yourself no matter how bad life get, because just as bad as life gets, life turns around just as fast and throws another beautiful blossom surprise at you. Just wait out the rough times till life eases up on you.
Things will eventually fall into place if you let it. How do you let it? Well, in my opinion figuring out the answer to that million dollar question is a small price to pay for all the success you get once you figure out what it is. That is all that is asked from you. To answer the one million dollar questions, to figure out the right calculations for the future you want. For the love you want. For the friendships and relationships you aspire to have.
However, I'll give you a lil cute hint. Believe and be confident that you already have the answers and the answers will come to you with hardly any struggle or resistance. I am still fighting a battle to win and acquire all such things.
It is okay, you are okay.