Dear... Him
I’ve gotten over everything but I just don’t know if I will be able to get over this. You meant everything to me. I loved you, and not in the romantic way but in a way like no other. We got each other. From all the late night facetimes, you saw me at my best and at my worst. I can’t describe how much you helped me.
We have two chairs that two people sit in, that impact you the most. You were in one of those chairs, Blake. You still are. I’m still tied to you and I don’t know why if I’m being honest. You changed me. Without you I would not have been here, that is for sure. You were my best friend. You meant so much. The downfall of that is this; heartbreak, confusion, pain, just overall questioning. You kept me on this earth.
Sometimes the things in my life feel like a movie. First I dealt with the worst break up. I used to call it the worst heartbreak. But that wasn’t heartbreak, this is. I thought heartbreak was only for romantic relationships, but it can be for friendships too, sadly. It sucks. Not going to lie. It sucks seeing you happy with her. It sucks being replaced. You got a girlfriend and then bam. You left. I don’t think you would even take a second look at me on the street. Whenever I see a photo of you this is what pops up.
The memories. From going to see Dora, to the facetime calls, to bringing you chick-fil-a to school. I finally opened up to my church about it. Here's what they said:
I am the wood. You were the sandpaper. You were slowly making me who I am today. I don’t know why you left and I still think about it everyday. Every fucking day. Why did you do that to me? We were best friends, genuine best friends. I was always there for you but you could never be there for me, could you?
At the beginning of the friendship we facetimed every night, but towards the end you would find excuses not to. I would always make time for you. Why couldn't you do that for me? Why was I not good enough? I get it, I'm not your girlfriend. I could never measure up. But I just wanted to be your friend at least. Now what are we? We aren't strangers, that is for sure. Strangers don’t have a past like we do. Strangers aren’t like this. If we were strangers then I would not be writing this. I may be a stranger to you. But you are definitely not a stranger to me. You are so much less, in a way. I know I should not be here crying while reading this letter because you don’t deserve me or this. I am not writing this for you, it is for me and only me. The only thing you deserve is yourself.
I don’t hate you. I love you, and that’s the funny thing. Because no matter how much I want to hate you, I can’t. I will always see you as the funny, amazing, different guy you used to be. You are different. You are worse than other guys. Instead of using me for one night you made me believe that we were best friends and then out of the blue, you left me.
I love you.