Dear... Ms. June 16th
Last night I had another dream about you. We were back together... again. I held your hand while gazing into your eyes. Suddenly it felt like I was 20 years old again, and you never left. We were really back together again... I thought! Hoping it wasn't a dream, finally God answered my prayers and all these years of being reminded time and time again that you were gone really paid off in the end. You came back to me so I didn't have to move on.
You see, for you it's 2020, but for me it's still April 2011. I'm watching the only woman I ever loved, and her little sister grab her belongings and move out. She doesn't want me, I'd thought. This is for real... there's nothing I can do to change it. Telling you I love you and we can make it work, is ignored with silence. You weren't happy. I knew that! I tried to make it better, but no matter what I did. You would still be leaving. What I was trying to prevent was coming to pass. You see, I saw us ending... but I didn't want to believe it.
I asked my brother who was married, is it over between you and I...?! He replied with yes, I think it's over. Suddenly the pain in my gut got bigger and bigger. Not wanting to be over. Denying it was over. You were gone.
April 7th , 2011
I made my final attempt to get you back. That morning I got up, took a shower. The whole time I was rehearsing what I was gonna say to you: "I LOVE YOU! I thought those words would give me a fighting chance, hoping you would listen. Maybe you would reconsider, I was willing to do whatever I could to hear you say we can make it work again. So I put on my favorite cologne and baby powder. Jumped in the car and drove. When I finally pulled up, your mother had a list of things she wanted me to do. She asked me to clean out the basement. Without hesitation I told her yes! Hoping it would sway you towards saying yes. Boy, I was wrong! That day you told me you didn't want to do it again and you were moving on. You wanted to go off to school, at the time I didn't understand. Now I do. But then I took it as you didn't want me around you. That I let you down. It was over...
Since that day I have dreamt about you over and over again. Sometimes I would have the same dream for an entire week. We were over, you didn't want me anymore. The words echo in my dreams so loudly that I felt my heart my burst. No matter what I did, I couldn't get you out of my head. So I tried to move on to Ms. July 26 but she wasn't who I was in love with. My heart is still yearning for Ms. June 16th, which Ms. July hated and knew I was always looking at my past. We substituted each other because we didn't want to be lonely. In the end we didn't work out.
You were the one that hoped I can be somebody. Watching you leave me left my world cold and dark. I fell from grace. I know what Adam felt when God banished him from Heaven. It creates pain and heartache. I hate myself everyday! I hate myself more than ever.