Dear... Panda
I want to write as if I'm not writing to anyone, or as if I'm not being observed. I have this idea about wanting to fully disclose every thought as it appears in my mind. I'm already feeling inhibited, and that's what I didn't want. It's an automatic sensation, to hold back. I don't want to be insincere; there's no point to be insincere with the void - with myself. I obviously have full access to the thoughts that run rampant in my head, but why is it so difficult to release them as they are? I always feel a need to disguise them in some way.
I need attention. I crave attention. I feed off of it. But I get nowhere near enough of it. I'm a recluse. I'm terribly unpleasant looking. I have no seductive value whatsoever. I'm totally repulsive. The only thing I would say that's in my favor is my ability to endure emotional pain and neglect, because that's why I'm still here.
I try to find ways of getting attention online, but it's difficult. I have to pretend I'm someone else in order to get attention from other people. Why is attention so badly needed in me? It all probably stems from childhood. But I wasn't severely deprived of attention as a child.
People say I look awful and hideous and disgusting. My features are not pleasant to look at. The whole point of face to face interaction is to be able to look at another person's face. No one can do that where I'm concerned. I'm f**ked over and there's nothing I can do about it other than continue to be stubborn and wait for a f**king miracle.